Poppa Large

SHARED WISDOMS

This was originally posted in the comments section but it deserves its own post:

From Jordan Stratford:

Okay, first off the term "Mr. Mom" is offensive. We prefer the term "Man-Bitch".

I was a stay-at-home-Dad the first time back in '91, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and they would stop me with the pram and say "oh are you babysitting today?" which made me want to wring their fossilizing bronto-throats. We are all fortunate to live in a more civilized age.

I've just re-entered SAHD-dom with my fourth child, 3 month old Sebastian, as my wife has run off to her glamourous cubicled dwelling job as a Senior Art Director for an ad agency. My plan is to keep my clients and work during naptime. Oh, and we have a 2 year old daughter, which makes the above plan completely impossible.

So a few tips...

First thing. Don't clean the house. Just don't do it. We live in an equitable age, where housework should be fairly and equally divided amongst the servants. Kidding! But get a housekeeper, even for just the hairy part of the toilet and the pink scum on the bathtub and maybe the cobwebs.

Best to find some large fuzzy-lipped Croatian woman, just for domestic peace, if you know what I mean. Seriously, an hour a week, Olga engages in chemical/bio warfare while you take kiddies to the park, and you're just a freakin' hero, is what.

Also, don't make friends. Dads who make friends with other Dads at McD's or the park are most certainly gay, and cruising you. If they were real men, they'd be able to earn more than their womenfolk and have real jobs.

It's just you and Swee'Pea, alone against the world. You can do this. You have daddytypes.com and rebeldad.com and your legions of faithful readers.

A 2 month old is easy if you can figure out the surf-while-holding-baby-on-lap-and-support-bottle- with-your-chin-as-you-type yoga. Of course all babies are different, because (and nobody tells you this) they're actually little tiny PEOPLE, and they want different things. Nobody's ever been the parent of this person before, so you're going to have to figure it out as you go along.

Best advice is WiFi and a Baby Bjorn. Strap the little spud to you and go blog from a Starbucks somewhere. Make chit-chat and talk to random grown ups about things in the newspaper, things that are not smegma or cholic or shit-infected open diaper rash sores. Leave the house every day, twice a day.

Newborns are JUST as happy to listen to Franz Ferdinand than they are to Mozart or Barney. They are JUST as happy to have you read the New York TImes to them as "Goodnight Moon". Put the baby in the carseat, and put the carseat on the table next to the laptop, this way you're hanging out with him and he can't see the porn on the screen.

Later, a one-year old is delighted to bathe 4 times a day. That's a couple hours right there.

Enjoy!

Posted by P.L. at 11:42 PM